Now More Than Ever
by Miss Guinevere
Summary: Set just after Heart Of Gold. IlMinara fluff.


**Warning: **Fluffy Mal/Inara fic written for a friend. You rule, Inge!  
**Rating: **M/NC17. It has the sex.  
**Disclaimer**: Not mine. Joss's. Also, my very first Firefly fic and my very first oneshot.

I always knew she wouldn't stay. When she said the words though, it was as if I was hit about the head with one of Jayne's guns. With Vera. I was so sure something would finally happen between us after we'd come back from the whorehouse. The way she looked at me, the words she said. It was like a cold shower when the words finally pierced through. Leave it to a whore to jump to the wrong conclusion. Suppose it has something to do with all that schooling they get. Takes away instinct. Logical thinking too.

I was a mite shaken, I'll admit. Think I didn't even throw in one of my usual insults. And to think that I was really gonna come out and say something to her this time. Let her know how I feel. 'Cause make no mistake, I love her. About time I admitted it too. Guess I can just go back without losing any face. She made it clear. I'm not gonna beg. That's not my style. Enough of this _go se_. She can go away all she wants. See if I care. I'm not going after her.

Somehow, my determination doesn't stop me from going after her. She's got another thing coming, calling me and mine family and then dropping a bomb on me like that. Little Kaylee is gonna be so crushed. I owe it to her to try and make Inara stay.

I step into her shuttle. She's fumbling in one of her drawers. Either she didn't hear me come in or she chooses to ignore me, 'cause she doesn't turn around. I take a moment to breathe in the unique scent of her shuttle. It's incense, perfume and... Inara. I might have said her name out loud because she turns to face me. There's something marring her pretty face and I strain to see what it is. I take a step toward her.

She steps back, hiding herself in the shadows of her shuttle. "What is it, Mal?"

Her voice sounds tired and I can tell she's gonna tell me to get out any second. The only thing I can think of is to postpone that second for as long as I'm able to. I take another step in her direction and search my mind for something to say. Now would be good.

"Don't I get a say in you leaving?" Great. I don't know if you noticed, but sometimes I'm worse at talking to Inara than the Doc is at talking to... well, anybody. Inara gets mighty pissed when she thinks I'm bossing her around. Which I ain't. It just sounds like I am.

To my surprise, she doesn't yell at me. She just sighs and continues fumbling. Now I've come a little bit closer, I notice she's packing. It feels like another one of Jayne's guns upside my head. Hell, it feels like Jayne is the one hitting me with it and taking a liking to it too. She said she was leaving but there ain't no planet in sight. Maybe she's making some kind of statement, or maybe she's planning on taking the gorram shuttle and leaving it planet-side. Well, at least I get a say in _that_.

"You ain't taking the shuttle," I state, cringing at the way it sounds.

She sighs again. "I know. If that's what you came here to say, you can leave now."

It sounds like she hopes for something else. Does she? I've been wrong about it before, not five minutes ago. I stuff my hands in my pockets. Damn, these pants are tight. Focus. Should I say something? Do I want to put myself out there like that? What if she shoots me down? What if... To hell with it, I decide. I don't want to lose her because I was too damn scared to speak up when she wanted me to. _If_ she wanted me to.

I take a deep breath. "That's not what I came here for." It sounds rushed, like I had to get it out before I lost the courage to say anything. Which ain't far from the truth.

She turns to me. I might be mistaken but I swear she looks hopeful. She really does. She moves toward me and I see her beautiful face clearly for the first time since I entered her shuttle. She's been crying. From the looks of it, not a little bit either.

Before I can bite my tongue, the words slip out of my mouth. "You been crying."

Her face falls and it's my fault. Why did I have to go and ruin it? She was standing there, all hopeful and receptive, and what do I do? I change the subject, that's what. Stupid _hwoon dahn_.

"I mean, why were you crying?" I'm getting myself deeper into ruttin' trouble by the second. "No, that's not what I meant neither." I swallow hard and cross the distance between us. Both literally and figuratively. I'm contemplating taking her in my arms, but I don't want to push my luck. "I don't want you to leave."

There. I said it. I keep my eyes trained on her face, trying to make out what she's feeling. Gorram companion training. They taught her to hide her emotions and she's doing a bang-up job too. She doesn't show one single little thing I can hold on to. Nothing. Good thing I kept my hands to myself. I can feel my stomach sinking and I shake my head. "Never mind. You wanna tell them yourself or want me to do it?"

She bites her lip, probably to make it harder for me. The way her upper lip juts out when she does that makes me want to kiss her and suck on it. Probably best not to share that sentiment. I step back, trying to get some distance between us again. I'm not sure if I can resist her, even though I know she doesn't want me. I wonder if she ever wanted me. Maybe Nandi was wrong. Maybe I've read too much into the look she gave me when we were talking out there on the catwalk.

There's that look again. What's a man to do? I should really turn around and leave. She's playing with me and damned if she knows it too. Am I that gullible? There are men in this universe who'd think twice before crossing me, but in her hands I'm like... putty. Gooey putty. I raise my hands in an 'I don't want nothing to do with this anymore' gesture.

"When you're done figuring things out, let me know." I turn, fully intent on leaving. Out of her life, for good. After we touch down on a decent planet, she's gone. For good.

"Mal..." Her voice is barely a whisper. I do turn around, planning on yelling at her for playing with me, but the air leaves my lungs when I see her standing there. Her face has lost all traces of the companion I know and there's just Inara left. The woman. I have never seen her this vulnerable before. Still, I can't speak. In the last ten minutes, she's broken my heart twice. And I didn't even think it _could_ be broken. I raise one eyebrow, desperately trying to retain some of my dignity but silently urging her to go on.

She bites her lip again. "I don't want to leave."

I see a fresh tear glistening on her cheek. She's crying again. It only now occurs to me that this might be hard for her too. A spark of hope blossoms in my heart. "Then don't."

"I have to." She sits down on the edge of her bed. "I can't stay."

"Can't see why not," I insist. "There's your shuttle, there's food in the pantry, there's none of my crew wanna kill you, and we like having you here. _I_ like having you here."

I threw her a lifeline. I'm hoping to hell she'll take it, 'cause it's as far as I'll go without some kind of sign from her.

"None of that constitutes a reason for me to stay," she says softly and there's Jayne with his gun again. This time holding Vera to my head and pulling the trigger. This hurts more than when that _zang huo_ Wing poked me with his sword. Or when that other bastard shot me. It's a pretty gorram close second to Niska's torture too.

"I see." My feet won't move. It's as if they want to stick around for the Mal-bashing that's about to ensue. Another tear runs down her face, and for the life of me I can't understand why she's the one that's crying. I'm the one whose heart's laying at her feet in a million shattered pieces.

She clears her throat. "They're only reasons for me not to go."

"Well, now you got me all confused," I say, trying to keep my tone light. "See, I thought those two were the same thing."

She pats the bed next to her. My feet betray me yet again and they walk over to her until I can't do anything but sit. Her small hand creeps up my leg and I have to stop myself from yelping at the unexpectedness of her gesture. Her movement stills about halfway up my thigh. One part of my mind can't stop thinking about how close she is and how much I want to take advantage of that fact, but the other part is yelling at me to concentrate on what she has to say. See, that part has the nagging feeling that what she's about to say is gonna change my life forever.

I turn my head so I can face her. She smiles a little. It's the saddest thing I've ever seen, but I might be biased.

"I can't stay, Mal. I can't stay here and wonder if the next bullet you'll take is the one that kills you." Her fingers play with the material of my pants and I wonder if she notices it. I know _I _do.

"That's running away in my book." My voice is hoarse because of what her proximity is doing to me. But I'm warming to the subject. Even if there's only a slight chance she'll stay, I'll take it. "Don't we mean anything to you?" I purposefully include the others, even though right now I couldn't care less about them. I'm playing on her emotions but I'm beyond caring.

"_Wo de tien ah_, Serenity is my home and the crew is like family to me. I never had that. And now I can't sleep because I worry about all of you." She's getting angry. It doesn't last long though, 'cause her voice softens again. "I know what you want from me, Mal. But I can't give it to you."

I'm ready to deny it, when it suddenly dawns on me that there is nothing to deny. I put it out there, clear as day for someone like her, someone with her training. I swallow hard and I tell myself not to ask the question that's burning on my tongue. "Why not?" _Ai ya_, I should up and leave right now, before I make an even bigger fool out of myself.

She's startled by my question, I can tell, and that gives me some sort of satisfaction. Not the satisfaction I'd hoped for, but still. She fidgets and casts her eyes downward. It encourages me, and I go on. "Take a chance, see where it takes you." Mentally I add 'please'. I'm not the type of fellow to beg, but she's just about the type of woman that can make me.

She looks up and before I know it, her lips are on mine. Inara's kissing me. Me. Inara. Kissing. It takes my brain a little while to get over the fact that that's a highly unlikely thing to happen, but finally I master control over my limbs enough to bring my hands up to pull her toward me. She lets herself fall back on the bed, pulling me with her.

Her hands tug at my shirt and I'm happy to oblige. It seems that she's trying to speed things up but I'll be firmly in control once I rein in my hormones. There's no ruttin' way I'm going to rush this. If there is a 'this' to rush. Maybe she'll come to her senses in a minute and push me away, saying that she wants me to leave and act all offended.

My shirt is gone and she's fumbling to undo her top, barely succeeding. I take her hands and put them on my chest, signaling for her to stop fussing. I'll undo it when it's time for it to be undone. Surprisingly, the message seems to be clear. Her hands roam over my skin until I can't think straight. Not that that takes a lot of time, mind you. I let my fingers dance over the small strip of bare skin between her top and her long flowing skirt. She shivers and I smile into her mouth. It might've been a while for me but I still know how to handle things.

After a while of kissing her sweet lips and having her hands on me, I'm getting impatient and my body tries to reason with my mind. It's telling me that there'll be lots of time to take things slow later, that there's no reason for me to hold back now. I decide to adopt a middle course, speeding up a little but still being in control.

I try to undo her top but I need to break the kiss to look at the ruttin' thing's fastenings. It's like a gorram chastity belt, that thing. At last I succeed and I toss it aside. The sight before me is stunning. I always knew her body was as beautiful as her face, but now I see it I'm rendered speechless. There's passion in her eyes as she pulls my head to hers again. Our lips meet in a passionate kiss, while I make short work of her skirt. Truth be told, I didn't mean to rip her panties, I really didn't, but the effects of the act aren't entirely unpleasant. She moans into my mouth and arches against me, unfastening my pants with nimble fingers. It takes me some effort to step out of them with my dignity intact, but I manage.

Her surprised gasp indicates that she didn't expect me to go commando. I smirk at her and she moves back to allow me to lie down next to her. I do, taking my time to explore her beautiful tanned body with my hands and mouth. She leans back in the cushions, moaning my name. I gather she's to do all the work with her clients. Inwardly I yell at myself for thinking about that at a time like this. When she takes my head between her hands and guides it to her breasts, I'm lost. No rational thought enters my head anymore; except that her skin tastes like strawberries and that I like strawberries. Like I said, not big on the rational anymore.

It takes her a while to start exploring my body. Right after her mouth latches on to a sensitive spot on my ribcage, I'm wishing that she hadn't started at all. It takes all of my strength to maintain a semblance of self-control while I'm dimly wondering how the hell she found that spot. Her hand travels down to my crotch and I come rushing back to reality. If she ventures down there, this is gonna be over too soon. I grab her wrist and bring her hand back up. She looks up questioningly and sees the answer in my eyes, because she smiles a loving, tender smile that warms my heart, a heart I hadn't even known to be cold.

"Let go," she says huskily. "I'm ready."

God, was I waiting to hear that. I position myself over her and enter her. It feels like coming home. She closes her eyes for a moment, and just when I'm about to ask her to open them, she does. I ain't gonna miss a second of this. I've been waiting so long, thinking she'd never stoop to being with me. I was wrong. She's stooping, and I'm right there with her.

I start to move slowly, building up friction and savoring her little mewls of pleasure. She's all around me, warm and tight and loving. I capture her lips in a searing kiss, caressing her soft skin with the hand that isn't propping me up. It doesn't take long for her muscles to start contracting around me, and it sends me over the edge too. I'm literally seeing stars, and not because we're way out in space.

"I love you, Inara." Before I know it, the words are out.

Her eyes fly open. There is something in her eyes, something unreadable. A tear glistens in them. My stomach sinks and I avert my gaze, hoping that by some miracle a black hole will appear and suck me in.

"I love you too, Mal," she says, smiling at me.

I blink. Once. Twice. That was not what I expected her to say. She draws my head down to kiss me and I oblige happily. I let myself roll off her, pulling her with me until she's snuggled up next to me. We lay silent for what seems like hours, but no matter how I hold her, somehow I feel her slipping away. There's a sadness about her, a distance that's never been there before. I place a kiss on her head. "Sleep tight, Inara."

I feel her smile more than I see it. "Sleep tight, Mal."

Making myself comfortable, I concentrate on keeping my breathing even. I'm in for a long, sleepless night, but there's no sense in alerting her to that fact. It's best that she gets a good night sleep. Lord knows she needs it.

"Mal," she whispers when she thinks I've fallen asleep. "I'm still leaving. Now more than ever."

After a couple of minutes her breathing becomes regular and I mentally steel myself. She's not leaving. I won't let her. I still don't know how I'm going about it, but she's staying aboard Serenity. Now more than ever.


End file.
